Archives For humour

My Book of Profane Poetry

January 19, 2021 — 16 Comments

As I type this, Predator Face is literally bouncing off the walls. I don’t know what has gotten into him, but he is galloping up and down the stairs, racing through the living room, swatting at toys as he scurries by. And yes, occasionally he pauses to jump into the air and pounce against the wall. His tail is fully erect. His pupils are dilated as wide as his eyeballs. And despite what you are imagining, it’s not cute. It’s irritating as Hell because this pecker has been running wild like a caffeinated toddler since 4:30 this morning, and I am fucking exhausted.

It was the sudden, sharp clattering that woke me. The first one sounded like something plastic and hallow smacking against the master bathroom’s stone, tile floor. After a blessed, silent pause (but before I could drift back to sleep), something smaller (but more solid and with the hint of a liquid center) landed and skittered across the tiles.

While lying on my stomach, head facing the bathroom, I mustered the strength to flex my eyelid muscles, straining to lift them open. The highest I could raise them was half way. Once my sight adjusted, I realized the sun had yet to peep over the horizon, and by the glow of the bathroom’s night light, I observed the silhouette of a hairy asshole sitting on the bathroom counter, nudging shit over the edge, seemingly astounded by the concept of gravity.

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Memorandum

Date: January 13, 2021

To: The Cats

From: Vaughn Household Management

Having a disgraceful number of cats, a gag-inducing amount of body waste is discharged daily. Because of this, management has provided one litter box per feline (three upstairs and one downstairs), and these boxes are dredged twice daily. How these toilets are assigned or shared has always been left up to you as management has more important things to do than divvy toilets.

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The “Cat Said” Method

December 6, 2016 — 16 Comments

If I recall my first encounter with manipulation, my memory will pull me back to swinging on the Lafayette Elementary School playground during recess. A pendulum of children occupied every seat, but Patricia and Amanda felt entitled to a turn. Among the dozen of peers, the two popular yet spoiled puppeteers of young boys selected me.

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Shit Scissors: A Poem

October 14, 2016 — 9 Comments

I was bored so I wrote a poem about a handy tool cat owners keep handy.
Shit Scissors: A Poem

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