Archives For humor

Other people cats are a more fun to watch than my own because cats belonging to other people don’t flare my temper by galloping through the house at 3:34 am or shitting on the floor. Other peoples cats don’t shed in my house or scratch on my furniture. I don’t have to put other people’s cats in timeout for chewing on their brother’s thigh (weirdos). I don’t have to beg other people’s cats to eat their dinner, reminding them that they liked the can of tuna and chicken yesterday. If you, too, have five cats in your home, you probably understand where I’m coming from. If not, you are a fortunate soul. Allow my life to be a cautionary tale.

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The “Cat Said” Method

December 6, 2016 — 16 Comments

If I recall my first encounter with manipulation, my memory will pull me back to swinging on the Lafayette Elementary School playground during recess. A pendulum of children occupied every seat, but Patricia and Amanda felt entitled to a turn. Among the dozen of peers, the two popular yet spoiled puppeteers of young boys selected me.

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My Cat Tried Blinding Me

October 31, 2016 — 5 Comments

Blind Murphy ruined my Sunday by attempting to gouge out my eyes.

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Shit Scissors: A Poem

October 14, 2016 — 9 Comments

I was bored so I wrote a poem about a handy tool cat owners keep handy.
Shit Scissors: A Poem

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I often worry that too many new cat owners have unrealistic assumptions when it comes to the expectations and responsibilities of sharing your home with one or more cats. Because of their romanticized preconception of cat behavior (and for that I blame cat food commercials that hire supernaturally unfinicky actors, cat litter ads that hire one of the few cats alive that actually cover their disgusting waste, and Sarah McLachlan), these stereotypically lonely yet good intentioned people quickly regret their decision. This can result in lashing out when the cat behaves as nature intended it to, returning the cat like an unwanted gift after Christmas, or re-homing the cat who thought it finally found its forever home.

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I often worry that too many new cat owners have unrealistic assumptions when it comes to the expectations and responsibilities of sharing your home with one or more cats. Because of their romanticized preconception of cat behavior (and for that I blame cat food commercials that hire supernaturally unfinicky actors, cat litter ads that hire one of the few cats alive that actually cover their disgusting waste, and Sarah McLachlan), these stereotypically lonely yet good intentioned people quickly regret their decision. This can result in lashing out when the cat behaves as nature intended it to, returning the cat like an unwanted gift after Christmas, or re-homing the cat who thought it finally found its forever home.

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Nine years ago, Mr. Tiddles was left behind when his owners moved away. As a matter of fact, the rumor was that when his former owners left, the cat was stranded inside the empty apartment with nothing more than an open bag of cat food. When the new tenant moved in, she kicked him out. With nowhere to go, Mr. Tiddles wasted his days roaming the apartment complex’s parking lot, crouching under parked cars for shade and lapping up the dirty water that collected in the potholes.

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I’ve Been Through Hell

December 14, 2015 — 37 Comments

You will never truly fathom the length of an hour until you’re trapped in a carful of cooped cats.

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The Cat Burglar

November 9, 2015 — 17 Comments

REAR BEDROOM GLASSBREAK ALARM
This is the message that appeared on my iPhone while at the office last Friday.

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The Entitled Heathen

October 7, 2015 — 20 Comments

For the record, Elvis does not own everything.

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Talk To Your Cats About Meth Addiction

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Sometimes I get so frustrated sharing my house with five cats. That’s why I vent to you, Journal. I can say whatever I want, and you never complain or call me shallow or selfish. Without saying a word, you talk me down from diving into insanity.

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Mom vs Mr. Tiddles

May 14, 2015 — 8 Comments

The following is a re-telling of what happened when Mom closed the bedroom door to try on her new sweater.

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This is why I will die if there is a home invasion.

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This is why your cat is not trying to kill you.

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