If Cats Ruled the World

February 4, 2021 — 4 Comments

Did you know that the Internet has the potential of advancing the intellect of our civilization through shared knowledge and communication? At least this is what I’ve been told. However, somewhere down the timeline since its creation, we lost sight of this possibility and have instead devoted its purpose to arguing with strangers online while whacking to porn after posting a picture of our lunch in the hopes that some vapid “Internet personality” will notice.

Waste enough time online and you may draw one (if not all) of the following conclusions:

  • There are three types of people: those who will do anything for attention, those who are addicted to outrage (whether causing it or experiencing it), and horny moms in my neighborhood who are anxious to meet me. If you must know, I fall into the first category.
  • There is a dark-hearted faction of human garbage who make a living designing online ads. Seriously, fuck you and your tiny X in Jesus’ name. They belong in the second category above, but I feel it necessary to call them out specifically because fuck them and their parents who raised them to be like this.
  • The business of perception is in higher demand than reality. If you don’t believe me, ask a random stranger if they would rather hear a story about a Kardashian or a Yousafzai.
  • Cats are taking over the world.

In case you don’t know me, it’s the latter that concerns me most.

I’ve been the disgruntled cat owner of up to five cats at a time for almost two decades now. At one point in my life that was 224 square feet per cat, and being a compulsive cleaner and steward for order and organization, my sanity barely survived that phase of my life. Thankfully, I have this site, this electronic journal, as my therapy to help me through, to allow me to step away from the frustration and anger and irritation so that I can process it into something I can laugh at later (and that pump is primed when others laugh at it first).

For example, almost three handfuls of years ago, I created some single-panel “comics” that visualized my interpretation of life if cats were to indeed take over and rule the world, and I posted them to this site when it was hosted on another web service. I considered it art therapy. Those who have been with me for a while may remember these, but to those who have recently had their tickets punched on this bullet train of lunacy, allow me the opportunity to catch you up.

If cats ruled the world…

…they would commute to work every day on Roombas, and rush hour would look hilarious.
…business executives would not be able to use laser pointers in their business meetings. They would have to use long, wood pointers like elementary school teachers in the ’40s.
…their houses would be filthy because they would be too afraid of using furniture spray and vacuum cleaners.
…claw extensions would be popular among teenager cats even though the style isn’t practical.
…the fish, & poultry section of grocery stores would allow customers to catch their own. The beef section, obviously, is brutal.
…cat prostitutes would charge more to let you spray on their face.
…hundreds of them would meet at the Memphis Convention Center for the annual Fleshie Assembly where they meet their favorite fleshie stars, watch human movies about cats, dress up like their favorite humans and have the sex.
…people parlors (the feline equivalent of a cat café) will have humans serve as furniture while they enjoy a cup of coffee.
…humans would slowly become extinct (except for the ones in the people parlors) because cats wouldn’t care if a human was trapped in a wall, locked in a crate, or stuck in a sewage pipe.

4 responses to If Cats Ruled the World

  1. 

    Remember: there is a payoff. Snuggles!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 

    Very funny shit, Cary. I love your cartoons. It is only a matter of time till these all come true.

    Liked by 1 person

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