My beautiful, talented, gorgeous friend, Claire, shared a video with the accompanying message, “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS YOU MUST WATCH NOW.”
If you are a Facebook user (and really, how many of us aren’t), chances are you are aware of this addition to the found-footage horror genre. If not, feel free to watch the video above.
However, if you don’t have 48 seconds to spare, allow me to break it down for you.
The video opens with what appears to be a Neanderthal in footie pajamas kicking snow at a cat for 10 seconds. As the cat backs towards what appears to be the Neanderthal’s outdoor water supply, the Neanderthal shuffles forward, kicking more snow onto the visibly irritated cat.
With supernatural powers that can only be explained by the powers of Satan, the victimized cat suddenly leaps onto the prehistoric woman’s face like one of those fucking egg-layers from the Alien movies. Right on her face!
Typically, I question the use of my prepositions. It is an unfortunate weakness of mine, but I am damn certain of my choice of “onto” and “on” because that is exactly where that little beast latched.
What follows is a brief dance number worthy of the most violent of juggalo mosh pits. As the unholy feline clings tightly to her low and well-defined brow, Early Woman thrashes like her face is on fire.
But before you can say, “May the power of Christ compel you,” Footy Pajama is shoveling snow with her face.
I may not be as adept in choreography as Bruno Tonioli, but I give this number a 7. It would have been higher if she threw in a Macarena or a moonwalk.
Once on her feet, Cro-Magnon chunks the grimalkin like a handicapped, discus Olympian…
…and walks away clutching her freshly, mangled cranium as if trying to shut out the voices in her head that taunted her into kicking snow at a demon-possessed pussy in the first place.
The cat clearly looks prepared for round 2; however, the troglodyte trudges for cover in her double-wide mobile home (probably to call her preacher).
This video not only taught me that cats pack a mean can of whoop-ass, but also…
…that man’s best friend clearly doesn’t give a shit.