The Blight After Christmas

January 28, 2021 — 6 Comments

I’m the type of person who dismantles and stows holiday decorations before the closing credits can roll on TBS’s sixth consecutive airing of A Christmas Story. I have nothing against festive ornamentation, I just despise clutter. However, there was one exception.

This past Christmas, I built a pre-fab cardboard village for the cats, shoveling out money for a gingerbread house, a ski chalet, a theatre, and an RV. (I write for the internet so I make that kind of money.) Seeing how much the heathens enjoyed their village, I didn’t have the heart to chunk them in the trash (the cardboard buildings, not the cats).

Now we are a little over a month after Christmas, and I am beginning to regret that decision. Foolishly blinded by my unselfishness, I failed to remember that domesticated cats are naturally disrespectful. They don’t appreciate the tens of dollars I spent on these structures that could have gone to something more useful like a few slap bracelets or a DVD rewinder. Instead of appreciating their gifts, they let them fall apart. So now, instead of a magical Christmas village, I have something akin to a sketchy area of Baltimore in my home.

For example:

This theatre once staged an acclaimed production of The Nutcracker that sold out every night. Unfortunately, after the show closed, management has been unable to maintain the quality of shows required to preserve its favorable reputation. It has since declined into a seedy motion picture house that runs “art house pictures” (which, let’s be real, is just code for “soft core porn”). Also pictured is the manager, Zoe, standing outside the theatre, balling her paw into a fist, and moving it up and down in a salacious gesture to entice horny pedestrians. I have reported this to the city and am awaiting their reply.
This is the ski chalet. During the holiday season, it hosted numerous themed parties every other evening. Being invited was a big deal as guests would often rub elbows with celebrities like Cole & Marmalade, Lil Bub, Maru, and Matthew McConaughey to name a few. Nowadays, it sits abandoned and neglected except for the months of September and October when it becomes a Spirit Halloween shop.
In its prime (only a month ago), this gingerbread house was a high-end McMansion. People drove by it just to imagine what it was like to live inside. But the moment January 1 rolled around, it rapidly declined in value once its owner (pictured above in a drug-induced slump) became addicted to ‘nip. Draining his money in drugs and neglecting home maintenance and repairs caused the home to quickly decay into the human equivalent of a crack house. I watch strays frequently come and go. Sometimes I hear arguing from inside, yelling and hollering as if they were in an Alabama Walmart.
The RV above once belonged to my husband’s favorite cat, Elvis (seeing how he’s the only one in the bunch with a class C license). Initially, Elvis enjoyed cruising in his new wheels, but for some reason he lost interest. Because it has sat abandoned in a bad neighborhood on the 3rd floor, it has been stripped for parts. Elvis claims he doesn’t know how the RV ended up without a motor, but I’ve seen him visiting the gingerbread house on occasion, so I have my suspicions.

The only conclusion I have come to is that I have failed as a parent. My intent was to give them everything they could want so that they could enjoy life without worrying about mortgages, loans, or taxes. But instead, it has turned them into ingrates. If I could raise them over again, I would be more careful with the unconditional and lavish gifts. I would teach them how to earn it on their own. But because I didn’t, I have to watch my home become a sketchy Baltimore.

6 responses to The Blight After Christmas

  1. 

    Hilariously sad story, Cary. I award you with the dark humor award of 2021.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 

    Can’t you pack it away & save it?

    Liked by 1 person

    • 

      We have so much shit crammed in every closet and square inch of attic space (my husband likes to keep things even though he will never lay eyes on it again) that I would go bonkers if I had to store anything else.

      Like

  3. 

    “I write for the internet so I make that kind of money”
    I want to write for THAT internet!!

    I absolutely love this post so much.

    Also I have driven through that neighborhood in Baltimore. I wish I were lying. I saw no cats.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 

      When I read, “I absolutely love this post so much,” I was, like, FUCK YEAH. I did something right!
      And I saw my very first crack whore on a work trip to Baltimore about 20 years ago so that place has stuck in my mind.

      Like

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