Date: January 13, 2021
To: The Cats
From: Vaughn Household Management
Having a disgraceful number of cats, a gag-inducing amount of body waste is discharged daily. Because of this, management has provided one litter box per feline (three upstairs and one downstairs), and these boxes are dredged twice daily. How these toilets are assigned or shared has always been left up to you as management has more important things to do than divvy toilets.
However, it has recently come to management’s attention that one of you is using the litter box while it is already being occupied, shamelessly squeezing in and hunching into position as if alone. This encroachment on the space of another while they are making the devil dinner must cease immediately as toilet activities are considered a private and personal matter. Being present when anything is being expelled from another’s body is vulgar, rude, and perverse. We are not trailer park people. You were raised better than that.
I understand that this corner, downstairs litter box is substantial in size, but that is no excuse for this type of invasion. If your intent is to bond with your sibling, may I suggest the following, more Christ-like alternatives:
- Share a bowl of food
- Cuddle in front of the fireplace
- Bat a toy to each other
- Talk shit about the other cats behind their backs
If this activity does not cease, do not be surprised if management steps into the litter box and makes their own dinner for the devil. Maybe then you’ll finally realize how it feels. Maybe then you’ll understand that how annoying it is to have your concentration broken while your trying to focus on discharging. I’ll even lock eye contact while doing it. And I warn you, most of the time, mine are bigger.