I once read an article that shared eight things I should never do to my cat. While it was a pleasant reminder of general cat care, we live in an age where companies have to label hair dryers with warnings so people won’t fry themselves with it in a running shower. Because common sense doesn’t seem to equate common practice, I feet it’s necessary to share eight more (specific) things that people should never do to their cats.
- Never scare your cat with a cucumber: This is acumen for anyone who is not an asshole. However, if you are an asshole, there’s still hope to redeem yourself. All you have to do is no longer startle your cat(s) with inanimate objects. Sure, it looks hySTERical on YouTube, but deliberately frightening an unsuspecting animal is literally mental abuse. If you don’t understand this, please provide your home address in the comment section below so that I may pop through your bedroom window one night while you’re sleeping. I’ll be the one holding the fake machete, wearing the scary clown mask, and screaming, “RAWR” while you piss your bed.
- Never assume your cat wants to ride a Roomba: Not all cats have the same temperament. As a matter of fact, before you spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on a autonomous robotic vacuum cleaner for your cat, know this: Of the millions and millions of cats in this entire world, there are only two documented cases of cats joyriding a Roomba. One wears a shark costume and the other drive-by slaps a dog. In reality, it’s more probable that when you turn on your regular ol’ upright vacuum cleaner, your cat thinks it’s the end of the world just like mine. So how do you think it’s going to react with a Roomba?
- Never let your cat be lazy: Cats can be fun, but cats are work. Your new feline companion requires care, and one commonly overlooked aspect of cat care is exercise. This is especially important for older cats. Playing with your cat should be a daily routine; otherwise, you’re just adopting a large tchotchke that shits. Different cats like different types of toys, so if your fluffy ball of claws doesn’t like the wand, try a laser pointer. If it is not stimulated by the laser pointer, try a Hexbug. Just keep trying. If you would like suggestions, let me know in the comments. I’ll be happy to share which are my cats’ favorite toys. And for the record, startling your cat to increase its heart rate is not considered exercise (see number 1 for more information).
- Never hit your cat: I’m going to try to say this without getting angry. *clears throat* Don’t ever hit your cat. EveR. If yOu do, I WiLl dO EVeryTHING IN MY POWER TO FIND YOU AND SAVE YOUR HELPLESS AND CONFUSED CAT FROM YOUR EVIL CLUTCHES AND DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO RUIN YOUR LIFE…1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10…okay. I think that went well.
- Never leave your cat unattended around children: You may think your little pudding pop is an angel that fluttered straight out of your vagina to the sound of trumpets, but when they are unattended, these demons in baby skin clothing can’t be trusted within the vicinity of another living thing without hitting it, putting it in its mouth, curiously sticking their fingers inside of orifices, or hugging it to death. For the safety of your baby/toddler/child/tween and your cat, please do not place either in the other’s company without constant supervision.
- Never assume your cat is the next internet superstar: Because of the stupefying popularity of Grumpy cat, Lil Bub, Maru, and Monty (the cat that looks like it was born with Downs Syndrome), I am perplexed as to why a talent agency has yet to launch a feline division. But let’s be honest; not all cats can be web famous, so please don’t go into cat adoption thinking your rescue will become your cash cow. I have five, and after nine years, none of them have turned a single dime. I happily live with the fact that while Keyboard cat earns between $21,000 to $175,000 a year, my cat is in the corner licking its own butthole.
- Never feed your cat after midnight: You know, just in case.
- Never give up on your cat: The moment you begin sharing your home with a cat, they depend on your for food, love, shelter, health, and care. Remember, rescuing a cat is a lifetime commitment. You will lose sleep. You will lose money. You may even lose patience. But if you always treat him/her right, you will have a very loyal companion for many years.