Prevent Litter Tracking with the Heathen Paw Cleaner 3000

November 7, 2020

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I wrote this back in 2014 but stuffed it in my drafts file after relocating to a new platform. Not sure why. But here it is.

There’s not enough Xanax in America to tolerate the cats tracking litter through your house. Thankfully, frustration is the wicked step-mother of invention. Since I can’t teach the Heathens to wash their paws after using the bathroom (I’ve tried), I have designed a device that can eliminate litter tracking.

Allow me to introduce The Heathen Paw Cleaner 3000 (patent pending).

SMALL PRINT: This device does not prevent litter slinging or sanitize the back paws. These options are being saved for the more expensive 2.0 version.

Litter DeTracker Device The litter box, sponge, and cloth all rest on scales attached to a CPU. The mandatory cage hangs from a computerized rig bolted to the ceiling and connected to the CPU.

Litter DeTracker Device 2 When your cat steps into the litter box, the change in weight sends a signal to the CPU, and the iron cage falls, trapping your cat inside as it does its business.
Litter DeTracker Device 3 Once your cat steps out of the litter box, the scale will signal the CPU to activate the laser pointer, wiggling an enticing laser dot over the alcohol-soaked sponge.
Litter DeTracker Device 4 When the cat notices the laser dot, they will playfully slap their front paws against the moist sponge, sanitizing their germy paws. The weight added to the scale under the sponge will activate a timer.
Litter DeTracker Device 5 When the time runs out over the alcohol sponge, the CPU directs the laser pointer over the dry cloth.
Litter DeTracker Device 6When the CPU feels the weight change over the dry cloth, a new timer is activated. Your cat will then attempt to capture the laser dot on the dry cloth, unknowingly drying its now-clean and disinfected front paws.
Litter DeTracker Device 7 When the internal CPU timer reaches 0, the cage will lift, freeing your furry runt to roam about the house again.

WARNING: Using this device for a blind cat will cause permanent entrapment as sightless felines will not see red laser dot that triggers the cage’s release.

Please refrain from flooding me with emails pleading for a The Heathen Paw Cleaner 3000. I currently do not have prices available as I am still constructing the prototype. I will post them for sale after I have successfully constructed a functional model. Until then, keep taking your Xanax.

I’m going to make so much of the money.

by Cary Vaughn (2014)