I wrote this back in 2014 but stuffed it in my drafts file after relocating to a new platform. Not sure why. But here it is.
There’s not enough Xanax in America to tolerate the cats tracking litter through your house. Thankfully, frustration is the wicked step-mother of invention. Since I can’t teach the Heathens to wash their paws after using the bathroom (I’ve tried), I have designed a device that can eliminate litter tracking.
Allow me to introduce The Heathen Paw Cleaner 3000 (patent pending).
SMALL PRINT: This device does not prevent litter slinging or sanitize the back paws. These options are being saved for the more expensive 2.0 version.
WARNING: Using this device for a blind cat will cause permanent entrapment as sightless felines will not see red laser dot that triggers the cage’s release.
Please refrain from flooding me with emails pleading for a The Heathen Paw Cleaner 3000. I currently do not have prices available as I am still constructing the prototype. I will post them for sale after I have successfully constructed a functional model. Until then, keep taking your Xanax.
I’m going to make so much of the money.
by Cary Vaughn (2014)