Other people cats are a more fun to watch than my own because cats belonging to other people don’t flare my temper by galloping through the house at 3:34 am or shitting on the floor. Other peoples cats don’t shed in my house or scratch on my furniture. I don’t have to put other people’s cats in timeout for chewing on their brother’s thigh (weirdos). I don’t have to beg other people’s cats to eat their dinner, reminding them that they liked the can of tuna and chicken yesterday. If you, too, have five cats in your home, you probably understand where I’m coming from. If not, you are a fortunate soul. Allow my life to be a cautionary tale.
Thankfully, an almost infinite gallery of cat-related pictures, memes, and videos are on display within the halls of social media platforms. Because a computer screen acts as an emotional barrier that suppresses the synapses and chemicals in your brain responsible for producing empathy to a certain level, I can laugh until I cry as I insensitively watch wound up cats dart across sleeping faces, lunge at running toddlers, or scale expensive curtains knowing in the back of my mind that if these examples were to happen to me, I would pray for death so as to escape the torture that my life had become.
[Side-note from a Compulsive Cleaner: If you’re a cat owner with curtains, you deserve to have them shredded (the curtains; not the cat). Curtains not only collect loose fur, but they absorb and radiate the stench of having an animal in your home.]
But, as you know, we can’t have nice things for long. The cat-related entertainment in my social media feeds began to drown in a cesspool of angry political and ideological opinions where strangers addicted outrage prodded others with inflammatory comments, begging to start a fight. Scrolling through Facebook and Twitter became laborious, like having to shake through a bag of Chex Mix to unearth the good parts. Now, I can stand a peanut or two, but eventually, my mix had less Chex and more pretzels and those awful bagel chips that ruin the consistency of the entire mix. That is why I decided to remove myself from all social media platforms…again. No Facebook. No Twitter. No Instagram. No Reddit. No Tumblr. No NextDoor. This also means no more internet cats.
I was heartbroken until I remembered I have this stupid website.
Because you are reading this (and thank you for making it this far), can you do me a favor? When you come upon an entertaining cat-related picture or video on the internet, can you pop by and drop the URL in a comment? I would be forever grateful. I would even appreciate pictures of your own heathens. And I know many of my subscribers in real life (IRL as the hip kids say nowadays), so if someone asks what I am up to or why they haven’t seen me in a while, feel free to send them a link to this site. I would love to hear from them.
Until then, allow me to provide exchange in advance of your offerings: a video of Predator Face enjoying a bean massage.