To most, a cat owner is often stereotyped as being asocial or a solitudinarian. To these shallow cretins, people with cats are as pestiferous as the agoraphobic, online gamers, and those with an addiction to porn so severe it makes God ashamed for inventing sex organs. But 87% of you who are reading this know the truth: cat owners can be just as social as any average person; therefore, they bear just as much responsibility for preventing the spread of COVID-19 through social distancing as you.
But cat owners have an advantage, a built in defense against socialization that 74.6% of households lack: the combination of a lap and an entitled cat.
Most cats are drawn to a lap like an alcoholic is drawn to poor life choices. When one falls asleep on you, you’re anchored to that spot until further notice. Any movement that disturbs the little bastard is considered blasphemy, so you are locked motionless even if you have to use the bathroom, even if your house is on fire, even if Chris Hemsworth walks in and asks for a shag.
[Author’s note: To be clear, in the above paragraph, I am referring to a cat sleeping on your lap, not a drunk.]
Typically, a lap cat can be a nuisance. However, in these troubled times, a sleeping cat on your lap can help promote isolation and social distancing. Not being allowed to stand (let alone leave your home) will drastically lower your chance of contracting the coronavirus or, if you unknowingly already have the virus, prevent you from spreading it to others.
Have a flight to catch but Mr. Tickles is snoring on your lap? Hope your ticket is transferable or refundable. Have a concert to attend but Froth is in dreamland on your legs? Better hope Cher schedules a fourteenth farewell tour.
For best results, it is recommended that each household carries one cat per lap. However, for those whose ambulation is not dependent on working legs (like a baby or the wheelchair-bound), I would suggest another method of confinement such as a crib or triangle wheels.
Side effects of lap cat include loss of feeling in your legs, discomfort from full bladder, and damage to front door when police/fire department break it down because you didn’t answer it when your mother stopped by earlier so she got worried and called 911. But that’s a small price to pay to stay safe, healthy, and loved as you stroke your purring heathen and wonder, ‘Who would have ever guessed that having an asshole cat or two would help promote social responsibility?’
[Disclaimer: To learn more about how to protect yourself from COVID-19, please refer to cdc.gov for accurate information. Only morons take advice from a fucking blogger.]