To most, a cat owner is often stereotyped as being asocial or a solitudinarian. To these shallow cretins, people with cats are as pestiferous as the agoraphobic, online gamers, and those with an addiction to porn so severe it makes God ashamed for inventing sex organs. But 87% of you who are reading this know the truth: cat owners can be just as social as any average person; therefore, they bear just as much responsibility for preventing the spread of COVID-19 through social distancing as you.
But cat owners have an advantage, a built in defense against socialization that 74.6% of households lack: the combination of a lap and an entitled cat.
Most cats are drawn to a lap like an alcoholic is drawn to poor life choices. When one falls asleep on you, you’re anchored to that spot until further notice. Any movement that disturbs the little bastard is considered blasphemy, so you are locked motionless even if you have to use the bathroom, even if your house is on fire, even if Chris Hemsworth walks in and asks for a shag.
[Author’s note: To be clear, in the above paragraph, I am referring to a cat sleeping on your lap, not a drunk.]
Typically, a lap cat can be a nuisance. However, in these troubled times, a sleeping cat on your lap can help promote isolation and social distancing. Not being allowed to stand (let alone leave your home) will drastically lower your chance of contracting the coronavirus or, if you unknowingly already have the virus, prevent you from spreading it to others.
Have a flight to catch but Mr. Tickles is snoring on your lap? Hope your ticket is transferable or refundable. Have a concert to attend but Froth is in dreamland on your legs? Better hope Cher schedules a fourteenth farewell tour.
For best results, it is recommended that each household carries one cat per lap. However, for those whose ambulation is not dependent on working legs (like a baby or the wheelchair-bound), I would suggest another method of confinement such as a crib or triangle wheels.
Side effects of lap cat include loss of feeling in your legs, discomfort from full bladder, and damage to front door when police/fire department break it down because you didn’t answer it when your mother stopped by earlier so she got worried and called 911. But that’s a small price to pay to stay safe, healthy, and loved as you stroke your purring heathen and wonder, ‘Who would have ever guessed that having an asshole cat or two would help promote social responsibility?’
[Disclaimer: To learn more about how to protect yourself from COVID-19, please refer to cdc.gov for accurate information. Only morons take advice from a fucking blogger.]
Loved this 😂 my cat is a major lap cat and my husband often uses it as an excuse to do sweet FA – “I can’t move Tilly, she’s fast asleep.” She’s definitely loving the fact we’re all home all the time right now but makes it impossible to get any work done by stealing chairs/lying on laps/lying on laptops etc. Thanks for sharing this, it made me smile today 🙂
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Brilliant! Simply brilliant, and oh so true. Thanks for sharing this.
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Wow. Thank YOU.
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I just LOVE your writing style! And the topic.. I got three of those, which means, I am hopelessly outnumbered and the opponent is overwhelming at dinner time. LOL
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Welp, my job ditched the time-and-a-half plan for whoever covers switchboard W-F (was supposed to be me but they’re not sure they’re calling anyone in at this point) but I offered to do it still if they can patch it to my home number from 7-4. My boss said I’m crazy and thanked me so we’ll see what happens. Honestly if they send those calls to my house having a cat around would make it so much easier! It’s cold in here during the day since I always forget to up the thermostat on weekdays.
Stay SAFE! 🙂 ❤
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You need a YouTube channel. With sassy guest stars like me.
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Ha! The camera hate me.
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Sorry, if Chris Hemsworth appears and asks for a shag, my cats are getting yeeted. In all other cases, what you said is true.
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I’m beginning to question my will in that situation as well.
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Two of my three will climb into your lap. The third will sit on the arm of your chair and wait until you get up to steal your seat. Unfortunately, it’s the two biggest cats that like to lay on you. *sigh*
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Three cats and I share a large living space. One likes to cuddle under right arm pit. Another likes to sit heavily in space beneath sternum verging on the belly. The third will take what’s left but prefers waist level; right or left. Moving slightly is an insult. Getting up for any reason besides cat feeding is NOT acceptable behavior
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There’s no way you’re getting up for anything, even if you were filled with helium.
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Sigh. My cat spurns my lap. He prefers wedging between my thigh and the arm of my chair, placing a paw on my foot to pin me down.
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Do I need to send you one of mine to weigh you down?
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Thanks for this public service message. Typing this with my 19 y/o cat on my lap. I’m here until she dies.
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But just think, it’s probably saving your life.
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You kill me 🙂
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Thank you for letting me murder you.
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