Heathen in a Drawer

January 28, 2016 — 22 Comments

Dear Journal,

So this happened:


I understand if your brain is incapable of processing the oddity pictured, so let me explain. That is my deaf cat, Zoe. She has poor motor skills due to a mild case of cerebellar hypoplasia. Somehow she is face-up, tightly crammed into a bathroom drawer.

A regular reader probably believes me to be the despicable culprit, and based on my past articles, I don’t blame you for that. I can only assert that I had nothing to do with this and hope you believe me. As a matter of fact, it was my husband who was awakened by the sound of her squirming among my toiletries. After locating the source of the ungodly-early-morning rustling, can you blame him for fetching his phone to take a picture instead of rescuing her?

But how in the Hell did she end up in a bathroom drawer? Due to her mild case of cerebellar hypoplasia, she’s incapable of jumping, so she couldn’t have crawled in from the counter-top. Due to her lack of intelligence, she’s not the most powerful toaster in the kitchen, so she couldn’t have figured out how to climb through the back of the drawer from the cabinet below. The only theories I can imagine are:

  • Zoe is a descendant of the Marvel villain Azazel and inherited his teleportation power. If this is the case, I worry she will use her powers for evil because she’s meaner than a horny honey badger, and you’ve never seen a sexually frustrated mellivorinae saving children from a burning building or helping old ladies cross the street, have you? With her entitlement issues, I can easily imagine her Lady Po Nagaring into a bank vault or the pantry closet where we keep her food. On the plus side, this would make her Nightcrawler’s sister. So that’s pretty cool.
  • The other cats put her in there. Mr. Tiddles, Blind Murphy, Reese, and Elvis hate Zoe more than a visit to the vet because, as I’ve stated already, Zoe is meaner than a horny honey badger. Whenever they wander near her, she screams and swats without warning. It’s unfortunate, because like an angry troll (and probably horny), they often find Zoe obstructing the only clear path into or out of the kitchen. When they are desperate to use the litter box or get a drink of water, they pass by only to be suddenly attacked without warning, the unbearably loud scream startling everyone in the house. Fed up with her temper, they probably realized it’s not so hard ganging up on a deaf cat, dropped a towel over her, dragged her to the bathroom, and stuffed her inside the drawer where I keep my face razor and toothbrush.
  • My husband crammed her in there. This is the most likely explanation. Zoe is quite the night/early-morning person. I wouldn’t be surprised if Husband “put her away” for a moment of peace. As a matter of fact, if she ran on batteries, he would have had them surgically removed months ago. Also, a day doesn’t pass where he expresses grievance of her bitchy temperament, disgruntled that she screams when she doesn’t get her way or unexpectedly attacks one of the other cats. That doesn’t excuse him from mistreating my angel.

Only time and persistent interrogation will tell which scenario is true. Until then, I hope she doesn’t somehow end up in the washing machine or warmer drawer of the over (I’m looking at you, Husband).

22 responses to Heathen in a Drawer


    Hmmm…. I’m not sure it is right to blame your husband for stuffing her into the drawer. Isn’t it possible she found it a little bit open, wiggled her way in there and didn’t realize the drawer closed in the front while she crammed her entire body into it in permanent movement? I’m not kidding, I found my boy in the book shelf behind the books, meowing like a fool because he thought he had a wall next to him. He didn’t realize he only had to move and push a little and would have been free. LOL

    Liked by 1 person


    My Pecker T Jones has CH as well, we call him the Minister of Silly Walks. Zoe is a very lucky kitty to have such a nice home 🙂

    Liked by 1 person


    My money’s totally on Blind Murphy.

    Liked by 1 person


    “You’ve never seen a sexually frustrated mellivorinae saving children from a burning building or helping old ladies cross the street, have you?”
    Well, actually, one time I *did* help an old lady across the street.
    Oh, wait. Mellivoriae, you say? Ooops. Thought it read “meloniform,” which means that you’re shaped like a melon. And I’m definitely a sexually frustrated cantaloupe-shaped person who has helped an old lady cross the street. But I’m not a honey badger. I prefer Stevia, actually.

    Liked by 2 people


    She has a terrible temper, you say. I’m sure you’ve thought of this, but might she be in pain or severe discomfort of some sort? I have an easily irritated cat (he’s young & healthy, though) and when he pitches a fit there’s usually a reason. Maybe not a good reason, but a reason.
    When I was a student in NYC and renting a room in an apartment, there was a really nasty cat. He lay in wait to attack people. He was un-neutered (!!!) and trapped in an apartment, so his reason was clear.
    My cat is neutered, but he doesn’t seem to realize. He’s madly in lust with my forearm.

    Liked by 1 person


      I thought about that early on. I used to watch a lot of My Cat From Hell…lol. Don’t tell anyone. Two different vets say she’s fine. But I still await a third opinion one day.



        How about being startled all the time because she can’t rely on her Cat Hearing Superpowers to navigate her world? People get PTSD from constant anxiety. Never being able to totally relax because you never know what’s around the corner, ready to jump your ass, would stress me the hell out, too. I’d be angrier than a horny honey badger.



          That is what I am thinking, too. She is startled CONSTANTLY.



          I think you’ve cracked the kitty code! Next step is research–internet, books, calling people who care for these types of critters. Don’t rely on vets. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my erratic timeline it’s that doctors don’t know shit a far greater percentage of the time than people realize. Proof being that I’m typing this and not six feet under.

          Crap, now I’m fantasizing about Michael C. Hall’s eyebrows.

          But as I was saying, I found in my own research on sound and acoustics that deaf people are extremely sensitive to the way a place is organized spatially. For obvious reasons, they like to be able to see what’s coming. Being spooked visually to them is like one of us having somebody sneak behind us with an air horn. After you were done dismembering your friend and hiding the body, you’d have some anxiety to work off. A college for the deaf arranged a commons area so that seating areas were private and yet people could only approach them from predictable directions. No spooking.

          Under what circumstances does Zoe have the most trouble? Is there a way to adjust the parameters so she can live happily? I know you’re juggling five demon spawn but even a small change can make a difference.

          Liked by 1 person


          I used to teach people about deaf culture in a past job. Funny, huh? And yeah, the spatial stuff would be so great if I didn’t have a blind one the relied on the way things are set up now. Ha. I am hoping that once e move into our new house next week we can start from scratch.



          Ooooo, the move is the perfect opportunity! It’ll all be new so everybody can just shut the fuck up.

          How did you get into working with the deaf? I still fingerspell but I’m slower than a New Yorker on decaf at it. \m/_

          Liked by 1 person


          Start typin’. I’ll wait.



    “meaner than a horny honey badger”

    I have a feeling this phrase will come in handy this spring, thank you.

    “face razor”

    The fact that you specifically attributed a particular razor as bring for the face only versus other bodily areas inspires unfortunate visual scenarios. Thank you.

    “Only time and persistent interrogation will tell which scenario is true.”

    That’s old school. It’s time to go all GroPro on his ass. Just think of the hours of entertainment a video cam in the bathroom can provide. You’re welcome.


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