So this happened:
I understand if your brain is incapable of processing the oddity pictured, so let me explain. That is my deaf cat, Zoe. She has poor motor skills due to a mild case of cerebellar hypoplasia. Somehow she is face-up, tightly crammed into a bathroom drawer.
A regular reader probably believes me to be the despicable culprit, and based on my past articles, I don’t blame you for that. I can only assert that I had nothing to do with this and hope you believe me. As a matter of fact, it was my husband who was awakened by the sound of her squirming among my toiletries. After locating the source of the ungodly-early-morning rustling, can you blame him for fetching his phone to take a picture instead of rescuing her?
But how in the Hell did she end up in a bathroom drawer? Due to her mild case of cerebellar hypoplasia, she’s incapable of jumping, so she couldn’t have crawled in from the counter-top. Due to her lack of intelligence, she’s not the most powerful toaster in the kitchen, so she couldn’t have figured out how to climb through the back of the drawer from the cabinet below. The only theories I can imagine are:
- Zoe is a descendant of the Marvel villain Azazel and inherited his teleportation power. If this is the case, I worry she will use her powers for evil because she’s meaner than a horny honey badger, and you’ve never seen a sexually frustrated mellivorinae saving children from a burning building or helping old ladies cross the street, have you? With her entitlement issues, I can easily imagine her Lady Po Nagaring into a bank vault or the pantry closet where we keep her food. On the plus side, this would make her Nightcrawler’s sister. So that’s pretty cool.
- The other cats put her in there. Mr. Tiddles, Blind Murphy, Reese, and Elvis hate Zoe more than a visit to the vet because, as I’ve stated already, Zoe is meaner than a horny honey badger. Whenever they wander near her, she screams and swats without warning. It’s unfortunate, because like an angry troll (and probably horny), they often find Zoe obstructing the only clear path into or out of the kitchen. When they are desperate to use the litter box or get a drink of water, they pass by only to be suddenly attacked without warning, the unbearably loud scream startling everyone in the house. Fed up with her temper, they probably realized it’s not so hard ganging up on a deaf cat, dropped a towel over her, dragged her to the bathroom, and stuffed her inside the drawer where I keep my face razor and toothbrush.
- My husband crammed her in there. This is the most likely explanation. Zoe is quite the night/early-morning person. I wouldn’t be surprised if Husband “put her away” for a moment of peace. As a matter of fact, if she ran on batteries, he would have had them surgically removed months ago. Also, a day doesn’t pass where he expresses grievance of her bitchy temperament, disgruntled that she screams when she doesn’t get her way or unexpectedly attacks one of the other cats. That doesn’t excuse him from mistreating my angel.
Only time and persistent interrogation will tell which scenario is true. Until then, I hope she doesn’t somehow end up in the washing machine or warmer drawer of the over (I’m looking at you, Husband).