The Entitled Heathen

October 7, 2015 — 20 Comments

I bought a used chair yesterday.

This wouldn’t be an interesting blog post if I didn’t add that my husband, Steven, claims the chair now belongs to his favorite cat, Elvis (and the jury is still out on whether this will end up being an interesting blog post).

Alleging Elvis owns most (if not all) of the furniture and appliances in our home is not a new annoyance. Steven claims the bed we share belongs to Elvis. He claims the previous chair we replaced belonged to Elvis, too. In fact, if Steven bequeaths everything to this heathen upon his death, I would be as surprised as Taylor Swift winning another Grammy.

The chair I recently purchased wasn’t in our home for two hours before Elvis wandered to my feet and meowed.

Me – What’s wrong with you?

Steven – He wants to know why you’re in his chair.

Me – This isn’t his chair.

Steven (stated as undebatable fact) – Yes it is.

Me – Show me where he withdrew a hundred dollars from his bank account and I will happily agree that this is his chair.

Of course Steven couldn’t because Elvis doesn’t even have a job (that I know of).

Later that evening, I am in bed reading. Steven is still in the living room watching TV when I receive the following picture via text message:


Steven walks into the bedroom shortly after to explain the picture. “Elvis likes his new chair.”

“It’s not his chair.” By then I was pretty exasperated with the subject so I rolled my eyes a lot during this brief exchange.

The following morning, I made the mistake of mentioning it again in the following email exchange:

Me – So if Elvis wants to claim the new-ish chair as his, he owes me $100. I will provide an invoice to him this evening and he will have 30 days to submit payment until it is repossessed and will no longer be his.

Steven – He’ll give you $100 worth of kisses, and head bumps, and nuzzles, and love, and licks, and purrs…he’ll probably give you a lot more than $100 worth!

Me – He can never pay off $100 in kisses, nuzzles, etc. Never. Besides, I only accept cash dollars.

Me(again, six hours later) – I’m still waiting for Elvis’s $100. It would be nice if he deposited it into my bank account today before the banks close.

Steven – I told you how you’re getting your $100. Kisses can’t be deposited into the bank.

Me – Kisses also can’t pay the bills. I’ll take check or cash.

Steven – You should have thought about that before you bought the chair.

And this wasn’t over. Last night, Steven kept following me around the house with Elvis in his arms, saying, “He wants to make a deposit,” before rubbing the purring cat against my shoulder or back. And when he’s done, Steven would say, “There. That’s worth probably 25.”

It never ends.


Now, in addition to “Gib Elbis Keeses,” it’s “Elvis wants to make a deposit.”

This is one of many reasons why I am and always will be a reluctant cat owner.


20 responses to The Entitled Heathen


    snuggles, purrs and kisses definitely trumps claws and fangs Cary……..

    Liked by 1 person


    “He wants to make a deposit” – I die.



    Cary, there are two non-negotiable facts in this world: #1 I’m always right. #2 Elvis owns everything. LOL Enjoy the happiness with Steven. And I figure the kisses, purrs cat hair in your bed and “left overs” in Elvis’ litter box will have to do as a payment.
    (*whisper* I do understand you to a certain extend – after all we got 4 kitties) but this is an argument you cannot win. 🙂 Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person


    I’ll bet you just wrote this post so you could use the term: “my husband Steven”

    Everyone knows Elvis owns everything.

    Liked by 1 person


    I don’t know…..I sort of think the never ending cat hair, puke and shit negate the paying bills by kisses and snuggles. Elvis is making a deposit takes on a new meaning when he is in the litter box.

    I would want the 100 bucks too. I consider kitty head bumps and snuggles as payment for having to clean their toilet

    Liked by 1 person


    I think you’ll find that everything, everywhere, is actually mine. I’ve been saying that since I was 2 years old; I just don’t understand why people have such a hard time understanding it!

    Liked by 1 person


    Annnnd this yet another reason I adore your husband so much! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people


    Annnnnnd this is yet another reason I adore your husband! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person


    As a member of the jury, I vote yes. Love it. Still giggling. And you might as well just surrender.

    Liked by 2 people

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