In the span of two weeks, Partner spent over $1,000 on dental work for two out of five of our cats. Only hours after depositing the heathens at the vet’s office for what was only supposed to be a cleaning, I received a phone call stating that numerous teeth required extraction from each cat’s face hole (my words, not theirs).
Rather than linger on what one-thousand-some-odd of Partner’s dollars could have afforded me (that’s a lot of liquor and corn dogs), I launched an investigation (i.e. Googled) into this peculiar and expensive outbreak of dental decomposition.
Since “tooth decay” was too generic a search term for my situation, I typed in “mouth rot” and discovered an alarmingly accurate description of an issue much deeper than just poor hygiene: meth mouth.
As a parent of five cats, I suddenly became awash in negative thoughts and emotions. How dare they lie to me. This explains why so many of their toys end up missing (they sell them for drug money). What will my friends think of me, a parent of multiple drug abusers? Their recreational abuse of a dangerous and illegal substance became increasingly apparent after reading each side effect of the redneck cocaine:
- Nocturnal hyperactivity – *gasp* No wonder my furry assholes trample through the house at night like a pack indigent Walmartians on Black Friday. I guess whoever told me this was normal behavior for cats LIED!
- Dilated pupils – So when the windows to their dark souls are open wider than a power bottom’s butthole, it’s not because they are in a playful mood. Now I know the truth.
- Violent Outbursts – So if I’m petting my pussy when it suddenly revs from angelic to aggressive faster than an evangelical Christian at an abortion rally, I can safely bet it’s high on chicken feed.
- Over-self-confidence/grandiosity – And to think that all this time I assumed my cat’s arrogance was genetically ingrained into its personality.
- Hypersomnia – Son of a bitch. This explains why they sleep all day. I thought they were just fucking lazy. Turns out, they’re crashing after a night on the blue belly.
Knowing what I know now, I will be making an appointment at the free clinic to have them tested for STDs. I learned that users of the crank experience prolonged sexual activity and that many gay cats are known to “tweak up” before hosting or attending sex parties.
My cats don’t have to be imprisoned by meth addiction, though. Thankfully, help is available from the Crystal Meth Addiction Hotline.
Wish me luck, Journal. I have a feeling it is going to be a long recovery, but at least Partner will finally be able to save enough money to buy me that 3D Ultra-HD TV I’ve always wanted.