How to Brush a Cranky Heathen

January 30, 2015 — 8 Comments

Dear Journal,

Owning a long-hair cat requires more of your time and attention than dating an actor*. If they’re not tended to daily, they unconcernedly discard pieces of their coat onto every imaginable and unimaginable surface of your home. Where you find their remnants will astound you. It’s as if they yanked off wads in your underwear drawer on purpose, out of spite. Even worse, it would only be a matter of time before an ignored heathen hurls onto your clean walls, windows, and/or floors. To clarify, I’m referring to a cat, not an actor…in most cases.

The obviously simple solution, of course, is to brush your wildly, hairy cat every day. You’d have to be dumber than an actor not to know this**. But sometimes, they’ll squirm and whine and protest if you come near them with a brush. To clarify, I’m referring to a cat, not an actor…in most cases.

This is the case with Partner’s favorite cat, Elvis (a.k.a. Boo Boo). If this foul and shaggy creature isn’t brushed regularly, it would only take two days for people to wonder if we carpeted our hardwood floors. However, when it’s approached with a brush, it will gripe and complain and swat. Before I learned the trick I am about to share, it took the both of us to successfully brush him: one to hold it down, the other to operate the brush.

To brush a fussy cat, just follow the easy steps below:

NOTE: In order for this to work, your cat must enjoy cardboard boxes and have an addiction to catnip. 

1. Find an unused, shallow cardboard box. Because Partner and I have five cats, we purchase food (with great embarrassment) by the case. If a cashier asks, “Oh wow. That’s a lot of food. How many cats do you have,” it is acceptable to say, “It’s not all for my cat. I’m donating half of it to an animal shelter.” Not only will your dignity be preserved, you will also earn the admiration of the person paid to scan your products. If the cashier doesn’t ask, chances are high that your cat-hoarding will be the subject of banter in the break room with his or her co-workers later. To prevent condescension from an hourly-waged employee, it is advised to volunteer this lie to the person standing in line behind you. For example, “Oh, I see you’re buying the cheaper food. I buy the more expensive brand because the cats at the shelter seem to like it more.” Don’t make your intent obvious, but do speak loud enough for the cashier to overhear you. Anyway, I am digressing. The point is, these cardboard cases are the perfect size for this task.

2. Place shallow cardboard box on waist-high counter and sprinkle catnip into box. I don’t like encouraging the cats to be on the counters, but let’s be real here; these little buttholes wouldn’t know how to obey and/or not do something they weren’t supposed to do if my life were at stake. If I was taped to a chair in the kitchen with a bomb strapped to my chest, you may as well start preparing my funeral because one of them would eventually step on the detonator left on the counter while on its way to see what it can scrounge out of the kitchen sink no matter how desperately I screamed for them to jump down. But having the box elevated will make the task of brushing it much easier.

3. Place cat in box. This may not be as difficult as it sounds. True, my runts are notorious for doing the opposite of what I want them to do, but the amalgamation of their two favorite things (cardboard and catnip) creates a temptation that is stronger than their desire to be recalcitrant. In my case, Elvis willingly stepped in and commenced rolling and rubbing against the inside of the box.

4. Brush cat. Your cat will be so stoned and content, you could fire a glitter-coated bottle rocket up its butt, and it would still give you a thousand-yard stare.

1-30-2015 11-20-09 AM Pictured: One stoned (yet brushed) cat.

I hope this helps. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to share. I’m sure there are many others who deal with unruly and rebellious pets. All ideas are welcome.

*“I don’t like other actors much. The industry tends to attract insecure, needy people.” – John Gordon Sinclair

**“The better the actor the more stupid he is.” – Truman Capote


8 responses to How to Brush a Cranky Heathen


    Brush. Broom handle. Duct tape. Reaching. Screaming. Running. Slipping on hardwood floor. Falling into sausage grinder of claws. Triple antibiotic ointment. Wine.

    Liked by 1 person


    My Lucy Fur’s superpower is to be able to shed even after having been brushed until your arm falls off. It’s amazing (and gross).

    Liked by 1 person


      Sometimes I am amazed that mine aren’t bald! They can’t possibly loose so much and still have so much! True Story: My daughter bought me a book for Christmas. “Crafting with Cat Fur”. Finger puppets for everyone next year! Except the girl, she gets a hat, scarf, and mittens.



        For some reason I can’t leave a comment, I can only reply… Anyway, when I get a comment about the amount of cat food I reply with “Cats? Oh no, I don’t have any cats.”



    I am laughing here. Funny story, Cary: ) One New Years Eve Sven and I were in line at a Woodman’s Grocery Store with three items being, a lobster, a bottle of wine and a box of condoms. I wish I would have told the cashier that it was our annual contribution to Planned Parenthood.

    Liked by 1 person


    Aw, Elvis is gorgeous, and properly stoned like his namesake.

    Liked by 1 person


    Ha! I’ve heard my moms say they’ve used the same line with the cashier when buying us food and litter!!

    Liked by 1 person

You got something to say? Say it.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s