Elevator-Butt Pee

July 8, 2014

Dear Journal,

Elevator butt is a common feline position where a cat lifts its hindquarters while lowering its front. However, if your cat is a whore, this is called “lordosis.”

Other than using elevator butt as a form of communication, cats typically arranged  themselves in this stance when its human slave rubs the area at the base of its tail (on its back, not its asshole – please do not rub your cat’s asshole). Human slaves respond to this action with moronic elation, oblivious to the understanding that they’re chosen form of amusement is the scratching of a cat’s butt.

Elevator butt, however, can also be a human slave’s enemy if your master-cat assumes this position while using the litter box. When a cat urinates while locked in elevator-butt stance, the resulting back splash not only absorbs into the walls (causing the acrid scent to haunt you forever) but eventually peels the paint of said walls.

You would assume that replacing the litter pan with a covered box would resolve the elevator-butt pee issue; however, the seam between the top and bottom portion of the covered litter box doesn’t prevent urine from leaking out the back. I know this. I’ve tried.

Elevator Butt 1

It is often said that overwhelming frustration and thoughts of murder are the mothers of invention. In this case, Momma has inspired genius. If your heathen coats the wall of its litter box like Jackson Pollock coated a canvas, I suggest following the simple steps below to train your heathen through the administration of operant conditioning.

Step 1. Fixate a grid of chicken wire against the offender’s preferred pee-wall.

Step 2. Connect live battery to chicken wire to produce electric charge.

Elevator Butt 2

Urine is a very reliable conductor of electricity (I learned this at a very young age when I peed on the electric fence that surrounded my dad’s cattle pasture – don’t judge, I was curious). If set up properly, the sloven will receive an alarming jolt of electricity through its genitalia, and before you can say “Department of Animal Welfare,” your four-legged reprobate will eventually learn to pop a squat like a normal cat when it relieves itself* (see image below).

Elevator Butt 3

* Genius idea may result in electrocution.