When You Feed Strays…

September 22, 2020 — 6 Comments

In case you are considering putting food out for strays, you may want to know the potential consequences.

I’ve been told by friends that this thing is my new pet now and that “when the mystic possum choose you you accept.”

Oh bother.

Driving

September 17, 2020 — 3 Comments

Disclaimer: All of my heathens are in carriers when they are being transported. The pictures you see below were taken while we waiting in car that was parked in the lot, waiting for the vet office to open. Save your potential outrage for something important like poverty, racism, or greed.

Predator Face has had a bit of a breathing problem for the past three or four weeks. He gets a severe case of the snorts when he tries breathing through his nose.

Today, he will be put under so that the doctor can take a look inside.

I know Predator Face is nervous, so to make him feel better, I let him drive.

This is him pulling into the parking spot…

He then forgot which peddle was the brake and which was the accelerator, so we ended up hitting the wall pretty hard. I banged my head against the dashboard. He got thrown into the back seat…

But he’s okay. Glad nobody got hurt.

So if you’re in the Memphis area and see a hare lipped cat behind the wheel, get off the sidewalk!

Damien’s Moobie Problem

September 8, 2020 — 5 Comments

Is there a reputable manufacturer of cat bras?

My cat, Damien, has large boobs. They’re so big, he looks like a dairy cow (but he gets pretty irritated when you try milking him…I won’t be making that mistake again).

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Poe the Stray Needs a Home

September 5, 2020 — 2 Comments

Poe the Stray remains homeless. Nobody has responded to the voicemail at the number assigned to his chip.

Until I can find a home for this cat, Predator Face is keeping him entertained.

Though he doesn’t look amused.

Do you know if pet adoption organizations are having a harder time adopting out during this Covid stuff?

A good friend recently shared knowledge of an app called Reface. So what does Reface do? Well, here I am as Claudia Schiffer.

I’ve wasted many hours slapping my face on celebrities when I should be working on the novelization of The Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal like I’m supposed to, but I lack both discipline and shame.

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A few days ago, I stood on my patio and witnessed a stray, black cat vomit a live worm into the mulch under my neighbor’s hydrangea.

I told my husband about it immediately. How could I not? I had never seen a living creature vomit up another living creature before. It was remarkable and, I’m sure, burned into my long-term memory. I felt like I had witnessed a phenomenon only seen in sci-fi movies.

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When a Straynger Calls

August 28, 2020 — 9 Comments

There is a homeless cat that shares time between our and our neighbor’s patio. He seems friendly and loves belly rubs, but since the outskirts of Laura passed over our home this morning, he’s been sitting at our back door, staring in for hours.

There may not be any Micmac burial grounds around here (I don’t think), but that’s some Pet Sematary-looking shit right there.

Should I call animal control? The police? A priest?

If you don’t hear from me next week, please call the authorities and tell them that the suspect is an adult male (?) black cat with a wounded left eye.

Predator Face fell asleep watching squirrels this morning.

I understand that he was tired (Hell, he wakes me up at 4 am to be fed), but I didn’t realize he was face-against-the-glass-head-on-the-pneumatic-closure tired.

Sleeping cat

Or maybe he’s drunk.

The Caturday Report

August 22, 2020 — 2 Comments

Is it just me or does this pic look like we’re about to drop an album?

F*%k all y’all muthaf#%kin’ honkey-a$$ crackas! – Predator Face

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Predator Face partook in a little catnip abuse this morning, and his behavior ever since has been embarrassing and intolerable.

I made this post for you to share with your heathens because once they see the effects of catnip from an outsider’s perspective, maybe they’ll just say no (similar to how I said “no” after being scared shitless in the early 80s watching Helen Hunt snort something some guy made in chemistry class before she threw herself through a second story window and sliced her arm with glass shards in a lovely made-for-TV movie called Desperate Lives that the whole family can enjoy).

Now, you aren’t going to see Predator Face go Helen-Hunt-in-Desperate-Lives level of nuts, but maybe nuts enough to teach your heathens that drugs just aren’t hip or cool.

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Is My House Haunted?

August 17, 2020 — 11 Comments

Apparently, cats can see ghosts. I’m not saying it’s true. It’s just what I’ve been told.

I bring this up because I was scrolling through my cat pictures recently (looking for a few good ones of Reese for her memorial box) when I can upon this one:

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Happy Caturday

August 15, 2020 — 8 Comments

Just want to wish everyone a happy Catuday. I hope your home remains clean, your carpets hair ball free, and all litter remains in their respective box.

Please give some love to your heathens from me (if they deserve it).

Putting the Cat to Work

August 14, 2020 — 5 Comments

Predator Face said he was bored so I told him to do some filing for me.

His work either reflects his incompetence with basic alphabetizing or dislike of being told what to do.

My guess is a little of both.

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Reese’s health has been declining for a little over two weeks. Kidney issues. At this point she is no longer eating and can only use her back legs for staggering. Tomorrow, my husband and I will send her off after a good, long life.

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Other people cats are a more fun to watch than my own because cats belonging to other people don’t flare my temper by galloping through the house at 3:34 am or shitting on the floor. Other peoples cats don’t shed in my house or scratch on my furniture. I don’t have to put other people’s cats in timeout for chewing on their brother’s thigh (weirdos). I don’t have to beg other people’s cats to eat their dinner, reminding them that they liked the can of tuna and chicken yesterday. If you, too, have five cats in your home, you probably understand where I’m coming from. If not, you are a fortunate soul. Allow my life to be a cautionary tale.

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