Feline Resting B**ch Face

October 29, 2020 — 1 Comment

Since welcoming Blind Murphy into our home over a decade ago (may he rest in peace), I quickly learned that my heart belonged to handicats. Whether they are gimpy, blind, disfigured, deaf, or a little on the “special” side, handicats are loyal and can give just as much love (if not more) as able-bodied cats. This is why I have reluctantly opened our home to a few others over the years:

  • Zoe, an Abyssinian born deaf and with a mild case of cerebellar hypoplasia
  • Elvis, a black longhair that showed up at our back door with FIV
  • Predator Face, born with a gross hare lip and an extraordinarily expensive case of something called polyploid rhinitis

And then there’s Damien, our maltese. He suffers from a condition in which many can relate: feline resting bitch face.

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I Made A Horror Movie

October 24, 2020 — 6 Comments

I should be vacuuming, but when you’re hit with inspiration, the best way to hit back is to give into it.

I like to think of this as a brief clip of something more feature length because, let’s face it, when you own cats, there are a lot of horror stories to tell.

Here is Predator Face’s movie debut:

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While We Are Away

October 21, 2020 — 8 Comments

Have you ever wondered what your pets are up to while you are away? Obviously some of you have or else there wouldn’t be such a market for pet cameras in a variety of models from basic surveillance to interactive treat shooter, or how about the millions some of y’all have given to animated movie studios to watch unsupervised domesticated animals with cliche personalities speaking cliche dialog.

Admit it, while we are away, we enjoy imagining our pets having adventures or living the high life based on the personality we assign them. Once upon a time, I had convinced myself that Mr. Tiddles (may he rest in peace) was dealing drugs from our apartment behind my back. Even my husband used to claim that his favorite cat, Elvis, fought crime while we desk jockeyed under fluorescent lighting in our corporate cubicles (but now Elvis is old and his crime fighting unitard has been retired to the attic).

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Caturday Naps

October 17, 2020 — 3 Comments

Predator Face is still healing. It appears that the bloody snots have cleared up. He snorts when he breaths, but we’re hoping the prednisoline will get rid of the inflammation in his nasal cavity.

Now, if you’ll excuse us, it’s time for a little shut eye.

As I’ve mentioned before, Predator Face has a habit of sneezing phlegm onto our walls and floor since the day of his adoption. In my opinion, this has made housekeeping more laborious than necessary.

As I’ve also mentioned before, Predator Face recently lost the ability to breath through his nose, making him sound like a snotty, mouth-breathing toddler with the flu. Not, stertorous. More slurpy, like breathing through a mouthful of gelatin.

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Does This Freak You Out, Too?

September 24, 2020 — 3 Comments

Predator Face is sleeping at by my side while I work. A moment ago, I looked down to see him like this:

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When You Feed Strays…

September 22, 2020 — 6 Comments

In case you are considering putting food out for strays, you may want to know the potential consequences.

I’ve been told by friends that this thing is my new pet now and that “when the mystic possum choose you you accept.”

Oh bother.


September 17, 2020 — 5 Comments

Disclaimer: All of my heathens are in carriers when they are being transported. The pictures you see below were taken while we waiting in car that was parked in the lot, waiting for the vet office to open. Save your potential outrage for something important like poverty, racism, or greed.

Predator Face has had a bit of a breathing problem for the past three or four weeks. He gets a severe case of the snorts when he tries breathing through his nose.

Today, he will be put under so that the doctor can take a look inside.

I know Predator Face is nervous, so to make him feel better, I let him drive.

This is him pulling into the parking spot…

He then forgot which peddle was the brake and which was the accelerator, so we ended up hitting the wall pretty hard. I banged my head against the dashboard. He got thrown into the back seat…

But he’s okay. Glad nobody got hurt.

So if you’re in the Memphis area and see a hare lipped cat behind the wheel, get off the sidewalk!

Damien’s Moobie Problem

September 8, 2020 — 5 Comments

Is there a reputable manufacturer of cat bras?

My cat, Damien, has large boobs. They’re so big, he looks like a dairy cow (but he gets pretty irritated when you try milking him…I won’t be making that mistake again).

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Poe the Stray Needs a Home

September 5, 2020 — 2 Comments

Poe the Stray remains homeless. Nobody has responded to the voicemail at the number assigned to his chip.

Until I can find a home for this cat, Predator Face is keeping him entertained.

Though he doesn’t look amused.

Do you know if pet adoption organizations are having a harder time adopting out during this Covid stuff?

A good friend recently shared knowledge of an app called Reface. So what does Reface do? Well, here I am as Claudia Schiffer.

I’ve wasted many hours slapping my face on celebrities when I should be working on the novelization of The Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal like I’m supposed to, but I lack both discipline and shame.

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A few days ago, I stood on my patio and witnessed a stray, black cat vomit a live worm into the mulch under my neighbor’s hydrangea.

I told my husband about it immediately. How could I not? I had never seen a living creature vomit up another living creature before. It was remarkable and, I’m sure, burned into my long-term memory. I felt like I had witnessed a phenomenon only seen in sci-fi movies.

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When a Straynger Calls

August 28, 2020 — 9 Comments

There is a homeless cat that shares time between our and our neighbor’s patio. He seems friendly and loves belly rubs, but since the outskirts of Laura passed over our home this morning, he’s been sitting at our back door, staring in for hours.

There may not be any Micmac burial grounds around here (I don’t think), but that’s some Pet Sematary-looking shit right there.

Should I call animal control? The police? A priest?

If you don’t hear from me next week, please call the authorities and tell them that the suspect is an adult male (?) black cat with a wounded left eye.

Predator Face fell asleep watching squirrels this morning.

I understand that he was tired (Hell, he wakes me up at 4 am to be fed), but I didn’t realize he was face-against-the-glass-head-on-the-pneumatic-closure tired.

Sleeping cat

Or maybe he’s drunk.

The Caturday Report

August 22, 2020 — 2 Comments

Is it just me or does this pic look like we’re about to drop an album?

F*%k all y’all muthaf#%kin’ honkey-a$$ crackas! – Predator Face

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